By Joseph Walter
The effects of this drinking game may be fatal.
Trials have yet to be performed. Any volunteers?
In fact, the obstacle courses are so difficult, that there's only been a handful of winners in the show's entire run. Because of this, there's a very satisfying element to seeing how far someone will push themselves to make as much progress as possible, and that lingering hope that maybe, some how, some way, they'll beat this seemingly impossible challenge.
Aside from that good, old-fashioned, under-dog fun, there's the usual spattering of sob stories, and uplifting tales to help the viewer relate with the various competitors. But there's another element that sticks out like a sore thumb (and if you're a fan, you've probably guessed what I'm getting to already): The utterly banal commentators, Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Biamila. I honestly like them, but they're still an obnoxious force to be reckoned with, saying the dumbest possible things as often as they repeat themselves with their incessant commentary.
When all's said and done, though, those two dinguses and the rest of the show's oddities somehow work together to make a very compelling and thrilling program to get invested in.
That said, like all good things, a drinking game had to be forged out of it and, while I camped on the beautiful islands in the pristine Lake George, I compiled the following list.
Please note that there is only a very vague order for the list at the moment and that some of the challenges are multi-tiered!
(Last Updated: June 20th, 2022.)
The Game (2022 ver.)
- Anytime Akbar (or Matt) curses a contestant,* take a shot.
- Anytime Akbar says "I see you!," sip your drink.
- Anytime the word "ninja" is used to describe anything other than an actual, historical ninja/ninja-related act, take a sip.
- If any video package is a sob story, take a shot, straight.
- Anytime Akbar or Matt assigns a nickname to a contestant, take a shot.
- If Grant McCartney is part of a contestant's "opening skit" before a run, take a shot.
- If the commentators and/or interviewer partake in a contestant's gimmick (i.e. dressing up like nerds, wearing cowboy hats, etc.), take a sip
- If a contestant is part of a gimmick or challenge from another contestant, finish your drink.
- If the commentators partake in a challenge for a contestant (i.e. "if I complete the course, you need to do XYZ"), finish your drink, UNLESS...
- If the challenge in question is disgusting (i.e. eating bugs), and Matt has no qualms about doing it (or negative reactions while doing it), do NOT drink. Matt has saved you, OR...
- Additionally, if Akbar is noticeably nauseated by, or terrified of, a challenge, but still does it, you're also safe.
- If Akbar is attacked by an animal at any point, finish your drink AND take a shot.
- Anytime a contestant has custom-made attire, take a sip.
- If the audience and/or supporters are wearing it, too, take an extra sip.
- Anytime a contestant, or their supporters, says "LET'S GOOOOO!!!" during a run, take a sip.
- If a contestant says "LET'S GOOOOO!!!" when they complete a course, finish your drink.
- If they say it again, take a shot (+1 shot per additional offense.)
- Anytime Matt/Akbar says "L Shape" or "90 degrees," sip your drink.
- Anytime Matt/Akbar says "Lache," sip your drink.
- Anytime Akbar uses the scientific term for a muscle or muscle group, take a shot.
- Anytime Matt/Akbar directly communicate with a player during a run, finish your drink.
- Anytime a contestant loses on the same obstacle they lost at last time, finish your drink.
- Anytime the hosts hype up a player, only for them to lose unexpectedly fast, take a shot.
- Anytime Matt and Akbar shout out "NO!!!!!!" or "YES!!!!" in unison, take a shot.
- Anytime they show Kacy Catanzaro's original, successful run, take a sip.
- Anytime Kacy Catanzaro shows up randomly, take a shot.
- Anytime someone raises their arms for more applause, take a sip (unless you roll your eyes or groan loudly.)
- Anytime someone has their own gym, sip your drink.
- Anytime someone builds a Ninja course in their backyard, finish your drink.
- Anytime an awful/tasteless pun is made, sip your drink.
- Anytime a contestant takes their shirt off, take a shot.
- Anytime a commentator says "[their] [limb] is burning!" take a shot, straight.
- Anytime a commentator or contestant says "[I/They] dig deep!" take a shot, straight.
- Everytime a contestant unleashes a guttural roar, take a shot, straight.
- Anytime a contestant sets a random record i.e. "the first pregnant mother born in July to finish Stage 2!!!," take a shot.
- Anytime you or a fellow viewer says "I wish the commentators would shut up," they finish their drink.
- If you think a contestant has hubris, and you say a variation of "they need to be humbled," get ready: if the contestant is successfully humbled (embarrassing failure, rookie mistake, etc.), you are clear. If they are NOT successfully humbled, finish your drink OR take a shot.
- If a player gets hurt or bleeds, take a shot, UNLESS you say some variation of "that obstacle isn't safe" or "did they even test that obstacle!?"
- Everytime the mysterious towel tosser throws a towel at a newly-dunked loser, finish your drink.
- Anytime a player is emotional after a failure, and the interviewer pours salt in their wound, take a shot, straight.
- When Matt Iseman uses the "Ninja Voice," take a moment to reflect upon your life, and then consume the nearest alcoholic beverage.
* = "Cursing" a player refers to the oddly common event of Akbar (or Matt) praising a contestant or their form, only for them to be disqualified moments later. Studies conducted by myself and my mother have concluded that Akbar and Matt are directly responsible for this, using some form of arcane magicks.
What do you think? Did I miss any of the idiosyncrasies from the "Ninja Culture" that'd be a great fit for the list? Let me know in the comments below!