By Joseph Walter
the first chapter in a classic new space opera..."
Now, you're probably thinking that I should have expected a full-length novel based on a video game that contains virtually no characters or plot points other than "guy shoots demons" to be complete garbage... but this is where things get strange.
See, against all odds, "DOOM" is somehow at its best when it plucks things straight from the barebones source material, leading to a fun and weird reading experience. But when the authors attempt to do anything other than a direct adaptation, that's when all the fire, brimstone and associated torture come in.
I may be too young to die, but reading through this nightmare hurt me plenty. So, get ready for some ultra-violence as I walk you through these shores of Hell...
Overview
The Good
You know how in the game, the various UAC facilities have impractical and illogical maze-like layouts that bear no resemblance to floor plans in real life? Well, apparently, those wacky layouts aren't just for the sake of exciting level designs; the novel makes it clear that they actually look like this, and presents them exactly as they appear in-game, with every twist, turn, secret passage and stream of radioactive waste accounted for.
If you find that confusing, you're not alone; the main character is constantly perplexed, too.
Those explosive barrels and power-ups methodically placed all over the floors? Did you ever wonder why they're there? So does Flynn! Oh, and that one area in the game where there was a computer inexplicably shaped like a swastika? Yep, that's here, too, and no, Flynn doesn't know no why, either.
Other fun tidbits include (but are not limited to):
- What it feels like to get "supercharged" by a Soul Sphere.
- Why players only start with a pistol in the game.
- How the marine can carry 50-100 rockets on his person at once (they're the size of batteries.)
Unfortunately, there's no mention of Flynn being able to run over 50 miles per hour like his virtual counterpart, but it's a small price to pay for including colored keycards, monster infighting, and confirming that Berserk Packs literally make you see red.
The incorporation of these elements, in all of their unabashed absurdity, is hilarious and brilliant, but just as you're starting to have fun with the almost fanatical faithfulness to the source material, authors Dafydd ab Hugh and Brad Linaweaver abruptly and, seemingly randomly, swerve in the opposite direction.
The Bad
How do you go from including something as game-y as it taking exactly five rockets to kill a Baron of Hell, only to refuse to call a Baron of Hell a Baron of Hell!? Or go from explicitly pointing out how nonsensical and weird it is that there are large, open rivers of toxic waste flowing through the middle of military bases, only to completely destroy the lore of the franchise?!?
Again, this is the very same book in which the the writers went out of their way to include absurd, video game details like monsters walking over toxic waste without issues. Why the fuck would they go to such great lengths to include the fucking swastika computer, and then suddenly say “eh, let’s call Imps 'spinies', and make the demons aliens instead of demons, because fuck it.”
The bafflingly arbitrary changes are frustratingly intolerable, and the original additions are even worse. Why do either in the first place? I truly don't understand the authors or their choices.
What I mean is that the book is very clearly written by two separate people, because the style often drastically shifts between chapters, and sometimes even between one or two pages. They're also prone to repeating or contradicting themselves. Is this because they forgot, or because they never actually bothered to read what each other wrote?
One thing is for sure: their sloppiness certainly wasn't due to laziness. See, if they really were lazy, then they would have just continued to take every element of the game, translate it verbatim into a novel, and be done with it, but, for some reason, they decided to go the extra mile and leave their mark by "expanding the universe" of the game. I mean, if you were going to do that, why not borrow more stuff from the game's story-centric "Doom Bible?" That would've been easy (and of higher quality), but for some reason, they opted to forge their own path (into the Slough of Despair.)
I’m honestly dumbfounded by the whole endeavor: if they had just stuck with the literal adaptation of “DOOM’s” madness, things would’ve at least been bad AND fun, instead of just plain bad. But no, they just HAD to do their own thing...
They definitely thought they were the next Asimov and Heinlein, too, and genuinely believed that they were writing some revolutionary, genre-defining sci-fi. Alas, their random additions and alterations didn't make for a compelling universe; they made for a heap of dogshit that tainted the ludicrous fun.
However, for all the damage their ambition brought to the reading experience, the most offensive element, and the final nail in "DOOM's" coffin is this guy:
The story is told entirely through his perspective. In terms of character, he's not quite the determined, mischievous face from the game, nor is he the deranged psychopath from the comic.
Instead, Flynn is an extremely annoying, vain character who repeats and contradicts himself (again, this might not necessarily be due to personality traits, but rather the authors forgetting what they wrote). Early on, he cleverly refers to himself as “Yours Truly,” with the caps, but then obnoxiously does so for the rest of the book. He’s an unlikable and grating character, who desperately aspires to be Rico from “Starship Troopers” (there’s a reason that the cover proudly exalts this as "Starship Troopers" great successor, lol.) but, alas, he fails in every respect.
Honestly, I would have preferred the silent Doom Guy.
All in all, "DOOM" is a fun read just for the novelty of seeing how the game's most unrealistic elements are treated as canon, but once its goes off the rails, there's no need to continue this exercise in torment. Both "Knee Deep in the Dead," and its two sequels, are best left banished to Hell, where they belong.