BY JOSEPH WALTER
I thought it wise to share this tale with you, as I'm certain that not many of you are aware of the reasons for dunking donuts into coffee, or the arcane magic involved.
As always, I've done my best to transcribe it as accurately as possible (spelling and grammar errors included) and, if I added a comment, it's in italics.
The innocent title of "Mr. Donut and the Hungry Policeman" is misleading. Like my previous archival stories, there is no shortage of shocking and disturbing content, along with my perverse sense of humor, but this time, it's glazed in sugary goodness.
Also… a word of caution: The last paragraph will shock you. Perhaps terrify you irreversibly.
And the final twist? You'll never see it coming.
With that ominous note, we finally begin.
Mr. Donut said, "you can't catch me, I'm the Donut Man! ha, ha, ha!" he laughed.
Mr. Donut was on the run for fifty days. On February 1st* (* = No idea why I was so specific about this date, or the fifty days, but I find it more than distressing) the policeman caught Mr. Donut and took a bite out of him.
Mr. Donut screamed and said "don't eat me. I'm magic. After all, have you ever seen a donut with a brain before?"
The policeman said okay and put Mr. Donut in jail. Mr. Donut told him that he would grant a wish in three days. During the three days, Mr. Donut came up with an escape plan. When the policeman came to get his wish, Mr. Donut ran through the bars in his cell. The policeman caught him again and told him that if his wish was not granted the very next day, Mr. Donut would be dunked into the policeman's coffee!! The policeman left for the night.
As soon as the policeman was gone, Mr. Donut squeezed through the bars of his cell again and ran out through a side door. Near the exit of the police station, Mr. Donut ran right into the hungry policeman.
The policeman said, "you're right where I expected you to be."
He picked up Mr. Donut, dunked him into the coffee he was drinking, and ate him.
"This was my wish after all," he said. "Yuk! This donut tastes bad."
He spit out Mr. Donut's remains, and the crumbs crawled away. He heard a faint voice saying "One day, I will wreak revenge on you."
Sure enough, one year later, a giant donut dunked the policeman into a giant cup of coffee and ate him. That is why to this day people dip their donuts into their coffee to prevent the donut's power from being released.
What a creepy detail that the donut didn't taste good. Also, my weird determination to relay the timeframe of the events. And, lastly, was the donut really magic? Even if he wasn't, it was clear that he was evil from the start, as he willingly chose to rob banks.
But anyway, I hope you enjoyed that read. Never forget these reasons for dunking your donut, because one day, a donut may wreak revenge on you.