I'm thinking of starting a retro video game magazine.
By Joseph "MVP" Walter
It's that time of the year again! Who's ready to celebrate the BIG GAME!
That's right, folks: The most beloved United States tradition has returned! YES, I'm talking about the one and only HYPER PLATE!
After the two teams have squabbled over the ol' rubber for hundreds of days, they must face-off in the ultimate face-off for the coveted HYPER PLATE!
How many HYPER PLATES have we had so far, you ask? Well, historians aren't exactly sure, but many believe that the HYPER PLATE originated during the colonial period (stellar, not continental) and has happened for at least one hundred years. Because of the many blanks spots in the hallowed history of the Plate, we've arbitrarily chosen "50" as this year's number, to satiate fans of composite numbers with seemingly high value.
Now, on to the rules (for the few non-fans of the HYPER PLATE):
The game begins, and both teams tussle for the rubber, hoping to make it left or right. When one team makes it all the way left or right, they are rewarded with a few tally marks. After some time, the team with the most tally marks is declared victor and owner of the HYPER PLATE. Wow, crazy, huh?
A lot of injuries can happen in the wanton pursuit of the rubber though. Keep our boys in your prayers, so that they won't feel the sting of the groin-pull or the ouchie of the hang-nail screamer.
Look, I want to be clear: The HYPER PLATE is a big deal, and it's the most important thing in the world to me. I just want to spread the word. I'm not trying to disrespect these modern gods and goddesses by revealing their very human weaknesses. I mean no disrespect at all. I just want others to understand how tough it is to go for the Plate with rubber in hand.
Now that the basics are out of the way, I want to mention some ways to gear up, root on the lads, and celebrate the HYPER PLATE in all its glory!
1) Cook up some grub!
A healthy family can't be expected to continue the season-long fast while viewing the powerful presentation of the HYPER PLATE competition!
2) Wear the garb!
There's no better way to let the troupers on both teams know how and where you stand than by wearing the traditional clothing associated with them. In fact, they get most of their pre-Plate energy from looking deep into the recording cameras and seeing that you're wearing the symbols of their strife!
3) Cheer during the game!
While the garb is one thing, explosive cheering at levels beyond the legal auditory limit is absolutely NECESSARY! How else will our costumed participants hear and then gain auxiliary energy points? We gotta keep those levels up, so SCREAAAMMM!!!!
4) HAVE FUN!
Most importantly, enjoy the spectacle of the slippery rubbers transference between the marching troupers in the rumpus for the left and right!
I'll see (and hear) all of you tonight during the BIG GAME! Good luck to the cadre of troupers you've chosen to affiliate yourself, and remember...
RUBBER HIGH, RUBBER LOW, OFF TO THE LEFT, WE GO! GO! GO!
By Joseph Walter
Hello readers and fellow Colonists!
Due to a few failing systems on my computer, I needed to send out for a brief repair. Thankfully, it's back and better than ever, so we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming here at "Colony 9 at Night."
On our agenda, we've still got "Weekly Soundchecks" coming, a few reviews in the pipeline (video game, film and even television!), a Christmas-themed post, and the still-lingering call to save the Earth with the ever-approaching XCOM stream!
Aside from this, I once again invite any and all writers, amateur or not, to share your work on this site. While I mainly use it as a therapeutic way to stretch my creative muscles, I've always intended for others to be able to do the same.
Two examples of guest contributors are Daniel Murano's thoughtful piece on "Culture vs. Creation" and Darren Wilson's thrillingly chilling short story, "The Anomaly." I implore you to check out their exciting, poignant work on their personal pages, as well.
If you feel you have the desire to write something (or post your artwork, etc.) just get in contact with me and we'll make it happen!
I hope you're all having a fantastic day and I'm looking forward to hearing from you!
All the best,
Also, here's a gratuitous picture of me for no reason:
The MASTER OF THE CASTLE
Joseph Walter is a 2013 graduate of Drexel University, with a degree in Film & Video and a minor in Film Studies.