Despite its weird, unexpectedly rocky start, Disney+ is pretty cool. But it could be cooler. 

After being sold on the promise of having access to all of Disney's treasured creations along with new ones, I'm still surprised at what's missing (or being held back), and by what could be there but isn't. Therefore, I've decided to help Disney out by posting this entirely reasonable list of fixes, additions and out-of-the-box inclusions that range from normal to obsessively weird.

However, before we begin, I just want to be clear about Disney+'s most heinously glaring flaw: the awful, bastardized aspect ratios with shows like The Simpsons. It's intolerable. I chose not to include it on this list because it's so obvious and widely hated that it's not even worth pointing out. 

Disney, even if you ignore the entirety of this list, for the love of God, fix the aspect ratios. 

Anyway... 

I think it's safe to say that many Disney fans (myself included) have a tendency to be rabid, especially when it comes to the theme parks. And while we did get cool stuff like the excellent Imagineering documentary, I'm honestly surprised that Disney hasn't catered even more to this particularly hardcore crowd of park-loving zealots.

One very easy solution to this problem is to play the in-ride films from long dead attractions.

I know I'm not alone when I say I'd love to watch the oft-skipped "The Spirt of Norway" from the deceased "Maelstrom" (damn you, Frozen). And although I'm not sure how it'd be possible, I wouldn't mind seeing "Reflections of China" after it gets replaced. Alas, the whole "Circle-Vision" thing would probably prevent it from making it the service ... unless... they somehow implemented it into VR........ my God. 

As of this writing (at least as far as I can tell) there is only one episode of Disney's beloved "Wonderful World of Color" available on Disney+.

I only have one question: why?

Considering that Disney and its fans love to indulge in nostalgia, there'd be no better way to capitalize on that than to conjure up the man himself, Walt Disney, where, in his prime, he hosted a slew of classic television shows. Whether it's him hyping up the creation of his then-upcoming inaugural theme park  in "Walt Disney's Disneyland," or delighting us with teases for upcoming projects in "Wonderful World of Color," there's much joy to be had, and the fact that these series haven't yet been uploaded in their entirety is both perplexing and disheartening. 

Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty miffed that we only have the first season of "The Mickey Mouse Club."

Yes, it's still delightful, charming, cute and fun, but the so-called "first season" only consists of a mere handful of episodes, and we know there's plenty more left in the "Disney Vault."

Why hoard them, Disney? Unleash the beast so we can continue to watch Cubby and Annette steal the show for many episodes to come. 

It's already intolerable that Disney+ doesn't have every season uploaded for everything that's already on the service, but sometimes they don't even have every episode of a season!

Why the critically important opening episode of the astonishingly excellent Tron: Uprising isn't currently available is tremendously bizarre (but it shouldn't stop you from watching the series, because it's awesome) and I can only hope it's rectified shortly. (And, while we're at it, how about continued Tron: Uprising as a Disney+ exclusive? God knows you need exclusives, after all, and it's hard to go wrong with a series as great as this one.)

Likewise, I find it strange that some truly classic Disney Channel series have yet to make an appearance... specifically the beloved (and trippy!) Adventures in Wonderland. This show was one of my favorites as a kid, and it's still great today. It was also extremely popular during its run, so I can't even begin to fathom the reasons it's not currently on the service.

Here's the thing: if the WWE can essentially upload their entire catalogue of content onto their streaming service, the WWE Network, Disney most certainly can, too. They're just choosing not to, and that's annoying. 

I can understand why people love the 2008 Clone Wars series, especially its recent, Disney+-exclusive final season, but it just never clicked for me. 

While I'm currently trudging my way through the show by means of a wonderfully curated episode guide from occasional contributor Joe Prescott (who's pretty good at making cases for why certain shows demand your attention), I think I'll still end up preferring the 2003 "micro-series" of the Clone Wars, from Dexter's Laboratory and Samurai Jack mastermind, Genndy Tartakovsky. 

Consisting of slick designs, outstanding animation and phenomenal spectacle, the 2003 Clone Wars is masterpiece of cinematic storytelling, where it lets its visuals do most of the talking while you sit there, slack-jawed in amazement. 

If Disney does indeed own the Star Wars franchise, and this series isn't wrapped up in some weird rights-holder battles,  I see no reason why they shouldn't add it to the Disney+ library. 

Even if they absurdly and nonsensically believed they'd be "competing with themselves," the latest (and final) Clone Wars season just ended, so now there are no excuses. 

We want to see Durge in all his glory, jousting Obi-Wan Kenobi on a speeder bike. And we want to see Mace Windu dismantle a droid with the Force and use the screws to shred dozens more. And a General Grievous that is far from a joke. And a legion of Clone Troopers abandoning their exploding battleship by jumping into the void of space, landing on a Separatist frigate, doing battle on its hull, and then stealing it. 

I could go on, but I'll stop myself now. 

I'm a simple man: I want to hear the ambience of Pirates of the Caribbean's queue while I cook, I want to hear the sound of the Haunted Mansion's Doom Buggies while I do laundry, and I want to hear the waterfalls and gentle island breeze of the Enchanted Tiki Room at all times, every day, for the rest of my life. 

But seriously, YouTube has a slew of videos up like "10 hours of the Haunted Mansion's thunderstorm," and while that's fine, it'd be awesome for Disney to release official videos of stuff like the Tiki Room's waiting area or temple pools with crisp sound quality.

I love the Yule Log and how it transports you to another place in time, so it might sound weird to suggest this Disney Park version of the concept, but hey, the Disney freaks will eat it up (again, myself included.)

Trust me, they (I) would go nuts if there was a 10 hour long shot of the homestead and river from Living with the Land, or the pyramid and volcano from Gran Fiesta Tour. 

Once you arrive at your hotel for your Disney Park adventure, one of the first things you do is turn on your TV and, for many years now, you're greeted with the WDW TV series "Must Do Disney," hosted by the ever-excited Stacey. 

Look, I don't care how outdated some of her lists are, I want every last one of them on Disney+ and I want to watch them now. 

Likewise, I wouldn't mind a livestream of their "Walt Disney World Today" channel, which plays exceedingly charming renditions of classic Disney themes while sharing weather forecasts and news. 

I can't make this more clear: Disney fans are freaks, and we want this. 

Maybe this is going too far, and maybe it's part of the sixth and seventh entries, but I don't care: I want the old and new versions of the "Special Events Channel" on eternal loops, and I don't give a damn who thinks that's an insanely obsessive request. 

These calming, hypnotic channels, with their spinning logo, tranquil seas and shooting stars are such a nostalgia trigger that they're needed. 

And you know what? Here's the thing: almost everything on this list is already available on the internet, including the "Special Events Channel," so it's up to Disney whether or not they want people enjoying these things through YouTube, or if they want to put them up on their own service and bring in the very audience that's watching and uploading these things on YouTube.

But what do I know? I'm just a guy who loves rotating logos, stagnant "must do" lists and the "Spirit of Norway." 

I'm something of a latecomer to the DOOM franchise.

I had played the first one briefly as a kid at a friend's house, and while our playtime was brief, he was keen on showing me Doom Guy's malicious grin upon acquiring a shotgun, which stuck with me for years (along with us replacing the wall textures of the classic Windows 3D Maze screensaver with "tomatoes," otherwise known as Cacodemons.)

The only other person I knew who had it was my best friend, Michael, but we never played it because it was absolutely terrifying to him (no surprise there!)

When it came to DOOM II, my family ended up getting a copy for Christmas, but since gory first-person shooters were kind of a no-go in my house, I was only able to play the first level a couple of times with my Dad. Heck, I even gave DOOM 3's demo a very brief try in about 2005, but it was too scary for an innocent 8th Grader such as myself (perhaps this was karmic justice for roasting Michael and his fear of clowns for years?)

Many moons later, I finally decided to get "knee deep in the dead," purchasing DOOM I and II on the Xbox Arcade, and then following up with DOOM 64 a year or two later.

All three were awesome. DOOM the first, in particular, easily stands out as one of the best games of all time, with an intuitive design that's immediately understandable and immensely satisfying.

Then came DOOM 2016. 

I was excited to see a game that boldly embraced an old-school mindset, cleanly breaking from what had become the modern-day standard of the genre.

With bated breath, my Tomato-wallpaper-painting pal, along with myself, giddily rented the DOOM's triumphant return... and we hated it. 

Too imprecise, grating music, lack of a genuine visceral crunch, hollow-feeling guns and movement, and a general sense of floatiness turned us off to the experience, and we went back to tearing through DOOM I's co-op to wash the taste out of our mouths. 

As seems to be my fate with this demon-slaying franchise, I decided to get DOOM 2016 for Switch, believing that my initial, incredibly limited hands-on experience wasn't painting the whole picture, and I was right. 

This time around, I loved it. I played obsessively, seeking out every secret and bit of lore I could find, and relishing in the increasingly frenzied combat. While my initial complaints regarding a lack of a sense of weight and impact still stood strong (for the most part), I finally understood what the game was about, and thoroughly enjoyed it.... at least for a while.

About three quarters of the way through, DOOM 2016 started to make my stomach churn. Even now, as I type this overly-long article, I'm feeling uneasy.

As weird as this sounds, DOOM 2016 started to weigh on my soul. 

The source of this growing discomfort wasn't the incessant violence, sensory overload or gruesome demons, though the combination of the three may have played a part. No, the actual core to my increasing anxiety wasthe game's story. Yes, a DOOM game's story, of all things, started to freak me out. 

What began as a genuinely hilarious skewering of late-stage capitalism (the UAC ignoring the obvious insanity and clear dangers of mining actual Hell in order to get rich) and the cult-like mindsets of corporations (UAC employees and higher-ups literally joining a cult, complete with human sacrifices and abhorrent experiments) started to become all too real. 

At first, I was legitimately laughing out loud. As you go through the ruined halls of the UAC compounds, you see holograms of cheerful corporate spokespersons singing the praises of the company, but there's always an ironic edge to it. 

Things like "look around you; these happy faces don't lie! Life at the UAC is one filled with endless joy!" while the floor is littered with piles of butchered corpses, or how, after a particularly inspiring speech about the importance and meaning of even the smallest tasks, the Spokesman ends with something like "and remember, the Council of the Forgotten Ones is always watching. You have been warned."

But as the game went on, things became... more grim. 

The macabre and disturbing imagery of torture, sacrifice, and God knows what else, coupled with the increasingly threatening holograms and heartless entries from the "employee handbook" made me realize just how real this whole thing really is. 

It may have been presented as a joke at first, but it really dawned on me that the subjects the game is so violently skewering are how our world actually is. How greed and corruption permeates our governments and societies in a way that feels almost irremovable. How relentless capitalism cares about absolutely nothing else but squeezing as much power and profit as they possibly can out of everything, regardless of irreversible consequences (think the environment, human life and value, etc.), or how corporations don't genuinely give a single damn about their employees, barely treating as anything more than expendable slaves while fully expecting theme to give their all for a meaningless cause without a second thought.

All of this filled with me hopelessness and despair, to the point where not even tearing literal demons limb-from-limb with my bear hands could make me feel better. 

Of course, I was already aware of these awful cancers that make our reality a genuinely sick place, but for whatever reason, the way DOOM 2016 presented its nihilistic viewpoint of the subject matter was extremely... impactful... unlike its action and gunplay. Go figure.

(Editor's Note: yeah, I realize this essay abruptly ends right as it's getting to the meat of the subject, but I felt so bad revisiting these thoughts that I really didn't want to elaborate on them any further. It's lame, I know, but it probably ends up doing a better job of explaining how much Doom 2016 scared me more than anything I could have written.)

For the entirety of my educational life, up until college, I went to Catholic School.

They weren't draconian (though I had a nun for a teacher in 2nd grade) and I think I turned out alright (hell, we were learning about evolution and man-made climate change as 9 year-olds), but they definitely instilled some kind of religious fear into my soul. For whatever reason, this psyche-haunting fear only showed itself when it came to the devil, the desecration of sacred areas and objects or a combination of the two. 

For example, in third or fourth grade, I was at a sleepover and, after we had had our fill of video games and Eiffel 65, the birthday boy's mother offered us the choice of two movies: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, or The Exorcist.

Like the woefully ignorant and bravado-filled youths that we were, we had a good laugh and picked The Exorcist.

We were wrong. We were fucking wrong.

By the time we had seen the first subliminal image, we were basically shitting ourselves. And while that moment certainly played a part in my nightmares for the next few weeks, one image in particular scared me the most: the vandalized statue of Mary. 

That thing haunted me in a way that I can barely compare to anything else. 

I eventually got over it, but something I never got over was the similarly religiously-charged, pants-shitting terror I feel when I look at the desecrated church in Diablo.

Playing the demo as an innocent youth, I was blown away by the perceived vastness of Tristram, the game's hub world.

Dreary, downtrodden and bathed in moonlight, Tristram made an immediate impression on me, and I began to explore it and its surroundings in earnest. Despite the absence of anything remotely threatening, the town's foreboding atmosphere began to eat away at my comfort level. 

Soon, I wandered a bit too far off the path, and began panicking. I had a fear of getting lost at the time, like being separated from a parent at a store or being left at the edge of the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland (thanks, Dad!), and this situation was conjuring the same feeling. 

I rushed through a forest of dead trees, nearly crapped my pants when I ran into a cow, bumped into a mausoleum and then saw a road. Still thoroughly unsettled, I did my best to regain some composure and began walking back towards what I thought was civilization.

That's when I saw it.

It stood off a worn path to the North of town, surrounded by the black of night and a foreboding wilderness. Once the house of God, this massive, deteriorating building had become the home of something else entirely. 

Unexpectedly coming upon the building was a shock to my system, especially after the frenzy of being lost for so long. Then there was the fact that it was a church, and not just any church, but the church that the townsfolk had told me about. And its decaying, dilapidated structure? Terrifying. 

But it was the glow from deep within, the unearthly, hellish glow that struck the deepest chord within me. 

Something burned bright in the belly of this church, and it was not of this Earth. 

The way the rays of orange light stretched out of the windows and across the cemetary, and how the dim, sinister glow acted like some kind of ominous invitation as it filled the church's doorway made my heart pound. 

This place was haunted.

In my mind, this is the picture in the dictionary of what a haunted location looks like. This isn't some poltergeist or dead grandpa ghost, either; this was sinister. 

My mind raced: who knew what kind of foul, sacrilegious and blasphemous rites were being carried out at that very moment? Who knew what demons and devils awaited in the basement? What unholy and torturous acts would I bear witness to?

With a lump in my throat and sweat dripping down my face, I decided to find out...

My warrior said it best: "the sanctity of this place has been fouled."

The jarring silence of the loading screen was replaced with pulsing, threatening music that was beyond fitting. 

Something truly malevolent was at work within this basement, and the forces of Hell seemed to be taunting me to seek them out. And, despite being filled with fear, I did exactly that... at least until the demo ended. 

I'll be the first to admit that I've done a fairly poor of job of conveying what it is about Diablo's church that's resonated with me so much over the years. 

But maybe that's okay; maybe it stands for itself. 

Diablo's atmosphere remains incredibly impressive, even today. The aesthetic, the music, the writing, the graphics, the overall design... everything works in perfect tandem to create a powerful sense of dread, with the exterior of the haunted church being the ultimate example.

Still... there's just something about this abandoned church in the dead of night with an unexplained, unearthly light emanating from deep within that touches a nerve in my soul.

In fact, it's one of the few things in my life that's actually given me literal nightmares, all of which involve a building standing alone against a clear, night sky, bathed in moonlight as an orange glow burns within its depths...  

I'm thinking of starting a retro video game magazine.

It's that time of the year again! Who's ready to celebrate the BIG GAME!

That's right, folks: The most beloved United States tradition has returned! YES, I'm talking about the one and only HYPER PLATE!

After the two teams have squabbled over the ol' rubber for hundreds of days, they must face-off in the ultimate face-off for the coveted HYPER PLATE! 

How many HYPER PLATES have we had so far, you ask? Well, historians aren't exactly sure, but many believe that the HYPER PLATE originated during the colonial period (stellar, not continental) and has happened for at least one hundred years. Because of the many blanks spots in the hallowed history of the Plate, we've arbitrarily chosen "50" as this year's number, to satiate fans of composite numbers with seemingly high value. 

Now, on to the rules (for the few non-fans of the HYPER PLATE):

The game begins, and both teams tussle for the rubber, hoping to make it left or right. When one team makes it all the way left or right, they are rewarded with a few tally marks. After some time, the team with the most tally marks is declared victor and owner of the HYPER PLATE. Wow, crazy, huh? 

A lot of injuries can happen in the wanton pursuit of the rubber though. Keep our boys in your prayers, so that they won't feel the sting of the groin-pull or the ouchie of the hang-nail screamer. 

Look, I want to be clear: The HYPER PLATE is a big deal, and it's the most important thing in the world to me. I just want to spread the word. I'm not trying to disrespect these modern gods and goddesses by revealing their very human weaknesses. I mean no disrespect at all. I just want others to understand how tough it is to go for the Plate with rubber in hand. 

Now that the basics are out of the way, I want to mention some ways to gear up, root on the lads, and celebrate the HYPER PLATE in all its glory! 

1) Cook up some grub!

A healthy family can't be expected to continue the season-long fast while viewing the powerful presentation of the HYPER PLATE competition!

2) Wear the garb!

There's no better way to let the troupers on both teams know how and where you stand than by wearing the traditional clothing associated with them. In fact, they get most of their pre-Plate energy from looking deep into the recording cameras and seeing that you're wearing the symbols of their strife! 

3) Cheer during the game!

While the garb is one thing, explosive cheering at levels beyond the legal auditory limit is absolutely NECESSARY! How else will our costumed participants hear and then gain auxiliary energy points? We gotta keep those levels up, so SCREAAAMMM!!!! 

4) HAVE FUN!

​Most importantly, enjoy the spectacle of the slippery rubbers transference between the marching troupers in the rumpus for the left and right! 

I'll see (and hear) all of you tonight during the BIG GAME! Good luck to the cadre of troupers you've chosen to affiliate yourself, and remember...

RUBBER HIGH, RUBBER LOW, OFF TO THE LEFT, WE GO! GO! GO!

Hello readers and fellow Colonists! 

Due to a few failing systems on my computer, I needed to send out for a brief repair. Thankfully, it's back and better than ever, so we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming here at "Colony 9 at Night."

On our agenda, we've still got "Weekly Soundchecks" coming, a few reviews in the pipeline (video game, film and even television!), a Christmas-themed post, and the still-lingering call to save the Earth with the ever-approaching XCOM stream!

Aside from this, I once again invite any and all writers, amateur or not, to share your work on this site. While I mainly use it as a therapeutic way to stretch my creative muscles, I've always intended for others to be able to do the same. 

Two examples of guest contributors are Daniel Murano's thoughtful piece on "Culture vs. Creation" and Darren Wilson's thrillingly chilling short story, "The Anomaly." I implore you to check out their exciting, poignant work on their personal pages, as well. 

If you feel you have the desire to write something (or post your artwork, etc.) just get in contact with me and we'll make it happen!

I hope you're all having a fantastic day and I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

All the best, 
​Joe

Also, here's a gratuitous picture of me for no reason:

"American Ninja Warrior" is one of the few shows that I watch on television, streaming or otherwise. You won't see me singing the praises of "Breaking Bad," or lamenting that there aren't more episodes of "Orange is the New Black." Instead, I'm watching adults make attempts at completing an incredibly grueling (and completely ridiculous) obstacle course. It's like "Legends of the Hidden Temple," minus Olmec, Kirk Fogg, or the omniscient Temple Guards (although I won't hold this against ANW.) 

In fact, the obstacle courses are so difficult, that there hasn't been a single winner on the final course in its entire run. Because of this, there's a very satisfying element to seeing how far someone will push themselves to make as much progress as possible, and that lingering hope that maybe, some how, some way, they'll beat this seemingly impossible challenge.

Aside from that good, old-fashioned, under-dog fun, there's the usual spattering of sob stories, and uplifting tales to help the viewer relate with the various competitors. But there's another element that sticks out like a sore thumb (and if you're a fan, you've probably guessed what I'm getting to already): The utterly banal commentators, Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Biamila. They're an obnoxious force to be reckoned with, saying the dumbest possible things as often as they repeat themselves with their needless commentary. 

When all's said and done, though, those two dinguses and the rest of the show's oddities somehow work together to make a very compelling and thrilling program to get invested in. 

That said, like all good things, a drinking game had to be forged out of it and, while I camped on the beautiful islands in the pristine Lake George, I compiled the following list:

• Anytime Akbar curses a contestant,* take a shot. 
• Anytime Akbar says "L Shape," or "I Shape," sip your drink.
• Anytime Akbar says "90 degrees," sip your drink. 
• Anytime a contestant loses on the same obstacle they lost at last time, finish your drink.
• Anytime the hosts hype up a player, only for them to lose unexpectedly fast, take a shot.
• Anytime Kacy Catanzaro shows up randomly, take a shot.
• Anytime someone is trained in Sam Sann's gym, sip your drink.
• Anytime someone builds a Ninja course in their backyard, finish your drink.
• Anytime an awful/tasteless pun is made, sip your drink.
• Anytime a contestant takes their shirt off, take a shot. 
• Anytime someone says "I wish the commentators would shut up," they finish their drink.
• Anytime a commentator says "[their] [limb] is burning!" take a shot, straight. 
• Anytime a commentator or contestant says "[I/They] dig deep!" take a shot, straight. 
• Anytime Akbar uses the scientific term for a muscle or muscle group, take a shot.
• Everytime a contestant unleashes a guttural roar, take a shot, straight. 
• Everytime the mysterious towel tosser throws a towel at a newly-dunked loser,               finish your drink.
• When Mark Iseman uses the "Ninja Voice," take a moment to reflect upon your life, and then consume the nearest alcoholic beverage. 

* = "Cursing" a player refers to the oddly common event of Akbar praising a contestant or their form, only for them to be disqualified moments later. Studies conducted by myself and my mother have concluded that Akbar is directly responsible for this, using some form of arcane magicks. 

Like I said, I've yet to test this out, but I have a feeling it may be fatal. That said, I'll be trying it out anyway, personal safety be damned. 

What do you think? Did I miss any of the idiosyncrasies from the Ninja Culture that'd be a great fit for the list? Let me know in the comments below! 

Once upon a time, there was a donut that had a brain. He escaped from the donut factory and went to work for a group of very bad men who expected him to rob banks and get money for them. Mr. Donut did as he was told and got $1000.00 every day. One day, a policeman came and arrested everyone except Mr. Donut, because the policeman thought that Mr. Donut looked good enough to eat. The policeman tried to catch Mr. Donut. 

Mr. Donut said, "you can't catch me, I'm the Donut Man! ha, ha, ha!" he laughed. 

Mr. Donut was on the run for fifty days. On February 1st* (* = No idea why I was so specific about this date, or the fifty days, but I find it more than distressing) the policeman caught Mr. Donut and took a bite out of him. 

Mr. Donut screamed and said "don't eat me. I'm magic. After all, have you ever seen a donut with a brain before?"

The policeman said okay and put Mr. Donut in jail. Mr. Donut told him that he would grant a wish in three days. During the three days, Mr. Donut came up with an escape plan. When the policeman came to get his wish, Mr. Donut ran through the bars in his cell. The policeman caught him again and told him that if his wish was not granted the very next day, Mr. Donut would be dunked into the policeman's coffee!! The policeman left for the night. 

As soon as the policeman was gone, Mr. Donut squeezed through the bars of his cell again and ran out through a side door. Near the exit of the police station, Mr. Donut ran right into the hungry policeman. 

The policeman said, "you're right where I expected you to be."

He picked up Mr. Donut, dunked him into the coffee he was drinking, and ate him. 

"This was my wish after all," he said. "Yuk! This donut tastes bad."

He spit out Mr. Donut's remains, and the crumbs crawled away. He heard a faint voice saying "One day, I will wreak revenge on you."

Sure enough, one year later, a giant donut dunked the policeman into a giant cup of coffee and ate him. That is why to this day people dip their donuts into their coffee to prevent the donut's power from being released. 

I've uncovered another creative work from when I was a youngster. I believe this was in fifth grade, but I didn't date the work (which is sort of surprising, as everything else is dated.) 

I believe we were learning about the Greek or Roman pantheon of gods and goddesses, and were required to create our own mythology, with both a legend and artistic rendering. 

Mine was… well, let's just say it's interesting.

First of all, here's the artistic rendering of his temple: 

Now for the mythic tale to go with this mythic picture. 

Oh, and before we begin: 

Apparently, I was clearly aware that the canon I was presenting to my teacher was far too complex for her mortal mind, and found it necessary to phonetically write out the two names of my protagonist. 

They read as follows: "Rubeus (Ru-bee-us) Rubei (Ru-bay)"

Oh, and my teacher wrote "Very creative" and gave me a check plus. 

Contain your jealousy.

Of note: The story is typed in bold, while my commentary is in regular typeface. I'm sure you would have figured it out, but I can't take any chances in a world where people think vaccines cause autism. 

A long time ago there was a young boy named Rubei who was chosen to be part of the empire of Lord Diamond. 

Rubei had his name changed to Rubeus because it fitted [sic] for his new home. There was Lord Diamond, his wife, Sapphire, and their daughter Emerald. 

Right off the bat, I didn't really earn my "very creative." These are the names of the villains during the then-current season of Sailor Moon. However, the whole "Rubei = Rubeus" thing came out of my own mind. And the similarities end there, as we go down a wild rabbit hole. 

Of interest is that I honestly inexplicably had this reason to have my main character go through a name change in the first two sentences. That's so… weird. Normally, you'd think that kind of event would happen after some great quest, or when God himself chooses you for greatness. But no, it was simply the way of things and fitted with his new home. Why would I feel compelled to add this detail? I can only imagine what the culture of this world was like. It "fit" for his new home. Alright. 

I also love that I was extremely concerned with the world-building and the family tree. 

One day they went to war and Rubeus was captured. Rubeus waited and waited for Diamond to rescue him but he never did. The enemy slayed [sic] Rubeus. 

Well, uh, that's one way to start this out. This is fairly dark for that age. I can hardly imagine the mind-warping, lonesome torture that Rubeus went through, awaiting his once-admired Lord to rescue him. 

"Any day now, any day now.." he must have whispered to himself during the frigid nights in his cell. 

And think of the implications of this lore: Who, or what, did they go to war with? Was this a just empire? Or one that should be synonymous with the Empire of Star Wars fame? 

And after countless nights, after all hope is lost, Rubeus is executed. No warning. No deal. Nothing but no-frills death. 

When Rubeus awoke in the shadow world he noticed the other demons having a riot. 

Things are getting crazy for a presumed fifth-grader here. I seem to have created my own afterlife concept. One that's filled with rioting demons. 

This calls to question whether or not Diamond's empire was righteous, since this sounds an awful lot like Hell. Does this mean Rubeus (formerly "Rubei," in case you missed this critical detail) was a terrible person during his stint in the empire?

Maybe he got what he deserved after rotting away in jail while the cowardly Diamond no doubt prospered after retreating, selfishly failing to rescue the enthusiastic Rubeus. 

I can only imagine that he sat in his throne, repeating "all rulers must make difficult decisions" to himself, to try and convince himself that abandoning his eager friend was the correct course of action. 

At this time, there was no king of demons.

I wonder if this is why the demons were rioting?

That's why the demons were rioting. 


Ok.

Rubeus said he would be king and, at that moment, he became half-demon and half-human. This is represented with one eye demon-like. He then got golden magical armor and a magical crystal sword that can kill anything, cut them clean in half. His left arm is ultra-strong and his right arm is that of a spell caster. His glare can withstand the instant death gaze of the basilisk. When engaged in battle he gets devil wings. 

This is where things take a turn for the insane. More so than before. 

I love its brutal simplicity: "I am going to be king." That bold, confident act suddenly aligns the universe and forces of fate and destiny, imbuing the fallen Rubeus with all manner of power, lineage and equipment. 

That simple declaration turned him into half-a-demon. HIS ONE EYE BEING DEMON-LIKE PROVES THIS. (refer to the picture)

And not only that, he receives two obviously-legendary items. And the sword can kill anything. It's cuts the poor fools clean in half. This was someone not to be trifled with. 

And, naturally, as a lefty myself, his left arm is "ultra-strong." (Check out the picture. His left arm is holding up the temple. I'm actually surprised at how clever and subtle that reference to his lefty-ultra-strength is) and his right arm alone is capable of casting spells. I assume this means that he doesn't even need to utter the arcane words; his arm just knows. 

He stares back at a Basilisk and resists its instant-death gaze. Okay, must've just read "The Chamber of Secrets."

Oh, and to top it all off, he gets devil wings the second he is engaged in any form of combat. Talk about intimidation. 

And, I really need to stress this, is Rubeus a good guy? I mean, I don't know. I really don't know. He just sees all of these hellspawn rioting in absolute, pure anarchy (because, "at this time" there was no king. What's the story with that? ) and decides that he'll be king. 

He must have really meant it, because the universe certainly agreed with him. 

The dude is monstrously powerful, half-demon, rules over suddenly-compliant (and, no doubt, fear-filled) demons, and grows devil wings at the slightest beckoning of battle. 

Sounds like evil incarnate. I can only imagine the terror he will know bring to the land of the living with his endless rain of demonic terror, reaffirming his place as Imperial Grand Devil Master of this world. Poor souls.

He protects the innocent. 


Oh. Well scratch all that. I guess he's good.

He is god of war. He is lord of demons. He is Dark Rubeus! 

And, no doubt, vengeance, the night and Batman.

Ah… sounds like a good ending, no? He's reached his destiny as Lord of Demons and achieved supernatural strength. Surely this is the end of the tale, nay, legend.

If only that were the case. 

On the back is a sloppily written epilogue that reads like the Book of Revelations. 

He marries Emerald and kills Diamond. They have a daughter named Talos. 
His pet is Egard the Ogre and he is friends with Salron, Arbok, Slemiugs, Drakkor, 

Okay, what is this? Why is this epilogue suddenly packed with an enormous amount of indecipherable lore. 

The majority of the New Testament is easily digestible: Jesus does nice stuff, dies for everyone's sins, then got to Heaven. Good ending. Cool. But then you get to the Book of Revelations and you're bombarded with angels bringing destruction, the Whore of Babylon, the Seven-Headed Beast, Abaddon, etc. Ya know, a whole bunch of crap that's never been mentioned until now and is entirely insane. 

That's pretty much what happened here. The tale of Dark Rubeus (who is, apparently, a hero) is fairly straightforward. And then this happens.  

Sure, the first sentence about his vengeance is digestible. I'll even accept that out-of-the-blue, vaguely-ominous, non-jewelry themed name for his daughter. But where did I get the rest of this shit!? Egard the Ogre? What compelled me to share the name of this immortal's pet ogre? This comes out of nowhere. It's clear that, as the author of this work, I felt it was my duty to share that detail. Perhaps this is a critical element of a prophecy yet to be revealed. 

And then there are the the friends.  

Salron? Who or what is this being? They're friends? There's no mention of him previously in this document. Are we just supposed to know what he is?

Arbok? Okay, well that's a Pokemon. So I guess it makes sense. 

Slemiugs, Drakkor? What the-? WHO ARE THESE THINGS? Where did I get these names from? They sound like formidable figures in this world's dog-eat-dog pantheon. Are they even other gods? Or are they humans? Or are they his demon half-kin? 

These figures are just so casually mentioned. Off-handedly, even. I mean… why? What was the reasoning? My fifth grade self was trying to tell us something. I feel it in my bones. I believed this to be so important that it had to be shared, and shame on us for not understanding it years later. 

Thus the great telling of the legend of the fall of Empire Diamond and the rise of Rubeus ends……………... 

Oh…... wait… I forgot; There's one more "friend's" name scribbled on here:

and Ynattirb. 

Ynattirb. YNATTIRB. YNATTIRB. What. The. Hell.

This doesn't sound like some vaguely cool-sounding name my fifth grade self would pull out of his ass. 

This sounds like the most menacing, ageless cosmic horror, emerging deep from its forever-sleep in the darkest bowels of the cosmos. Profoundly more ancient than the Elder Gods themselves, and infinitely wiser. Frighteningly more powerful. Again, I just casually toss this out there. This is the last fucking thing on the whole paper. This is the bookend. It starts with "A long time ago" and ends with this revelation/prophecy/death sentence of "Ynattirb." 

Surely, this creature's mere life-force is too much for a mortal to process, causing hundreds of billions throughout the cosmos to commit ritualistic mass suicide on a galactic scale, even lightyears away from this ever-approaching behemoth. 

Ynattirb. The name itself is an indecipherable code. It is comparable to the Most Prominent of the Old Gods, Rx'lhx'tcl and his Most-Ancient Kin. No doubt, "Ynattirb" is not this terrifying behemoth's TRUE name, but rather what the ancients who foresaw his inevitable, apocalyptic return called him in an effort to attempt to quantify, define and understand what is unable to be understood. 

Or maybe it's just Brittany spelled backwards. Because I had a crush on Brittany. Whatever. 

For anyone who's been to my house, it's apparent I'm a bit of a hoarder. I have every box of every video game I've ever owned (instruction manual included) countless magazines, and even 90% of my toys. 

I was moved by the Holy Spirit recently to start donating clothing and toys, and with that mission objective, I also started to clean and go through my dense archives. I've found all kinds of projects, papers and books from my grade school days, most of which are hilarious/terrifying. In short: I wrote and made some really weird stuff back in the day. Yes, even more than now. 

I thought it would be in the best interested of everyone on the planet if I shared some of these truly bizarre stand-outs from days gone by. The first of these is one of the very first, multi-page short stories I ever wrote. 

In sixth grade's English class, taught by the inimitable Betty Bowes, we were assigned a task to use vocab words in a short story. On October 17, 2002, I chose to up the ante. Being that we were in the Witching Season, I opted to craft a distressing, horror-themed tale featuring a fascinating figure of my nightmares at the time. 

I'll transcribe the story here (grammar/spelling errors included and, most importantly, vocab words underlined.) and then get into a little bit of lore in regards to what exactly was going through my head. 

Keep in mind I went to Catholic school, and the content of this story was not only edgy, but actively pushed the envelope for what I thought would be considered "acceptable" content. Frankly, I thought I was going to get in trouble for it. But we'll let you judge for yourself. I even got to read it out loud! 

Prepare yourself for the bone-chilling "Terror on Lockwood Drive." 

One day in the town of Flan, I was walking home from school with my friend, Saric. I noticed across the old playground that someone was following us. 

"Saric, look. Someone is following us." 
Saric looked and said "I don't see anyone." 

The next night, I was playing video games when I looked out the window and saw something unusual - the same man that was following me. He had a shirt on that said "Flan Asylum." He had a white mask on. He had something in his hand… it looked like a knife! He was looking straight at me. I shuddered when I saw him. 

That night I slept with my paintball gun*, and just to be safe, I invited Juste Belmont over. After all, he was a professional vampire killer. 

*= I didn't have a paintball gun, but everyone else seemed to. in an effort to sound cooler than I already was, I added this detail. NO ONE HAD TO KNOW OTHERWISE. 

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of strange noises. I looked out the window and saw a savage battle going on between Juste and the man with the knife. 

Juste was saying, "Curse you, vampire! Curse you!"

I thought to myself, "That's no vampire. That guy looks just like Michael Meyers. That guy IS Michael Meyers!*

*= Yes, it's spelled wrong twice and in every instance onward. 

Naturally, I received an A on this project. 

What'd you think? Did it chill you to the core? Was it worthy of that coveted A and the potential controversy? 

Upon reading this for the first time since probably 2003, I was more than amused that in this fictional version of my hometown, apparently it's quite casual be armed with a sword at all times. I also loved the fact that the paintball phase was in full swing. 

The most terrifying moment, to me, was the Michael Myers walking towards us while "grinning in a strange sort of way." I can't figure out what I was thinking and why I'd describe it like that. Such an odd choice. 

During when this was written, I had just seen Halloween 4, the first of the series I'd ever seen completely. Needless to say, it scared the hell out of me (the song, mostly, and the concept of Michael just appearing and staring) and I ended up lifting the most prominent scare from the film for this short story. Bonus points if you know what it is. 

I also made bizarre references to an obscure-but-awesome Mac OS free-ware game, hyper-linked in the sentence about the "town of Flan" and "Saric." And that music tho.  

Also, when Daniel gets stabbed, that was the most controversial moment in my mind, as he was an active student and in the class. It went over okay, as he went down a hero. 

Also, I had a major crush on Kaitlyn (misspelled as "Kaitlin" the entire story)  at the time. Whatever.