By Joseph "Skull Vault" Walter
While those series delighted me as a kid (and continue to do so as an adult), there was another, more mysterious show that also captured my imagination: Ultra 7.
There was one big difference between the two, though: where Superhuman Samurai was cool and goofy, Ultra 7 was pants-shittingly terrifying.
Seeing that it's All Hallows Eve, I'd say it's the proper time to discuss just what it was about Ultra 7 that made it so deeply nightmarish for young Joe.
More specifically, what in the fucking hell were they thinking with these hellfire abominations?!
This is what evil is.
Known as the "Buffins of Abaddon," these otherworldly beings only appeared in a mere two episodes of Ultra 7, yet they still somehow managed to strike fear into my childhood heart like nothing else.
No scenario or monster in Power Rangers, Superhuman Samurai, VR Troopers or even Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills came anywhere close to the level of dread that the Buffins caused me.
But why? What is it about the laughably named "Buffins" that caused a permanent, fear-induced injury on my soul?
Well, for starters, their unsettling designs are enough to make anyone's blood run cold:
The strange symmetrical patterns, the drab, yet eerily gentle, color scheme... and that awful, oversized, chicken-like head, with its pulsating gobbler and disgustingly smooth cranium.
But then there's the eyes. Those beady, glowing, nightmare hell eyes.
Betraying no hint of emotion nor sliver of mercy, the piercing, frigid gaze of the Buffins conveyed nothing but the purity of their malevolent desires.
Like the way they would just stand there with their bodies completely still... except for their arms, which would repetitively and rhythmically quiver in an hypnotic (yet profoundly grotesque) way.
Whatever the reason, it's disturbing and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
To make all of these matters much worse, the Buffins often appeared at night or in dimly lit locations, which devilishly combined their already unsettling and ghastly appearances with my childhood fear of the dark. Seeing those piercing eyes in the inky blackness of night, with only a glimpse of their shadowy bodies, was truly bone-chilling.
I mean, look at this fucking shit:
Apparently, this cripplingly high level of nightmare fuel simply wasn't enough. They couldn't just be horrific, frightening monsters from the depths of hell. No, they had to be so overwhelmingly surreal and incompatibly alien that they reached hallucinatory levels of some cursed and twisted limbo phantasmagoria.
This is made clear during our very first glimpse of these terrible beings. It's the stuff of nightmares:
And then more appeared.
As if their basic designs and traits weren't upsetting enough already, now there's this.
They seemed less and less like aliens, and more like some kind of supernatural force. Like a legion of wicked phantoms, straight from some cosmic hell. Oh, and the one that walks by with the tray? That's the freakiest one of all.
However, none of the horrifying elements described so far were what scared me the most. Sure, their macabre appearances, creepy physical traits and ghoulish voices were enough to keep me up at night, but there was something else that made them truly terrifying. Something very unique...
Unlike so many other villains featured in "monster of the week" shows, the Buffins actually studied their foe, Ultra 7. They observed his fighting abilities. They learned his tactics and special techniques. And then they developed methods to counter them.
This would essentially render Ultra 7 powerless, and the Buffins would be able defeat him.
Ultra 7's defeat was to be so utterly absolute that humanity's collective morale would be irreparably shattered. Consumed with despair, they'd have no choice but to completely surrender themselves to the malevolent invaders.
Now, I don't know if it was the general unease caused by their spooky presence, the callous way in which they discussed their evil intents, or something else entirely but, for whatever reason, when I heard them discussing this insidious plot, I got the distinct sense that the Buffins were more than capable of actually carrying it out.
This was scary to me.
The conviction in their eyes, their sinister laughter, their chilling, warbling voices, their subtle-yet-tangible confidence... this wasn't some theoretical threat. This was real.
Suddenly, I found myself concerned for the well-being of a fictional superhero.
Sensing that something wasn't quite right about these "false alarms," Dan Moraboshi (Ultra 7's secret human identity and member of the Ultra Garrison), decided to investigate, only to find himself under assault from (and eventually trapped by) driverless cars.
That may seem tame, but... it's just so creepy in this.
Finally, the wretched, mocking creatures reveal themselves as the invisible drivers, relishing in the terror they've created.
Yeah, apparently, simply existing as spine-chilling entities that may or may not be ghosts/demons from space Hell wasn't good enough, so the creators had to amp up the general sense of otherworldly unease and dread by granting the Buffins an arsenal of godless, paranormal abilities, such as rendering themselves entirely invisible, spontaneously growing to colossal proportions, and their disorienting habit of instantaneously teleporting to and fro, sowing confusion and insanity in their wake as they zipped around.
Naturally, the Buffins put these powers to good use as they chased and stalked Dan as if he were their prey... and there was nothing he could do to stop them.
As a kid, it was honestly crazy to see the hero being helplessly hunted like this and, again, I can't stress enough just how much these episodes feel like genuine horror movies.
In this case, it was Windam, a pretty sick giant robot beast.
"Alright! Finally we can beat back these bad guys!," I probably thought to myself. How wrong and foolish I was.
Before Windam could do a God damn thing, he was straight up fucking killed.
And despite all the horrific bits that happened so far, they all paled in comparison to the absolute worst, most abjectly soul-crushing, supremely terrifying and fatally chilling moment in the entirety of these God-forsaken episodes: the cross.
So, imagine how my already-terrified childhood self felt when a gigantic glass cross suddenly and mysteriously appeared in a desolate landscape.
Hint: not great.
Hint: really not great.
Now, finally, imagine how I felt as Ultra 7, the seemingly unstoppable super hero that the fucking show is named after, didn't just get wrecked, but got fucking crucified by the Buffins, who trapped the fallen champion inside the eerie, translucent cross.
I mean... look at it.
This imagery... the weird special effect of the cross' movement, the shot's stark dichotomy of light and dark, Ultra 7's unsettling, unmoving, statue-like form frozen in that awkward, undignified pose and the way it all just unceremoniously vanishes without a trace...
It's like.... a fever dream from a fright-induced coma. Raw ingredients for purified Nightmare Fuel.
Eternal horror.
Oh, and the way the cross' angles are uncomfortably off-kilter? *shudder*
Hell, not even their demise was totally without terror: as Ultra 7 was claiming victory, they were all freaking out inside their ship. And I mean freaking the fuck out.
It's unsettling as hell.
Some people are scared of clowns, and some people are scared of Buffins.
Clowns are hilarious, so I guess I'm in the Buffin camp, and that's okay.
You know you would be, too, if you ever saw the glow of those cold, calculating eyes, staring directly at you from deep within the dark...